Today I was driving back to work from lunch and tossing back a few
thousand milk duds when I had a really funny flashback of middle school. I wanted to write it down so that I could hang on to one story that I remembered all on my own. So here goes...
One Friday night, a group of my friends got together to go to a movie. I was probably 13 or so, and was into this guy named Shane. He was there that night with the group of friends to see the movie, and from what I can remember we were being little flirts (as 13 year old kids tend to be). I'm pretty sure we sat next to each other during the movie and I'm also pretty certain that we did that awkward thing where you both have your hands in the "palm up" position (because that's comfortable and natural??) on the armrest waiting for the bravest one to grab the other person's hand. Clearly, I had one hand (or both? I don't remember if the hand-holding action ever took place) free because I was scarfing down milk duds. After the movie, I remember hanging around waiting on my mom to pick my friend and me up, and I asked Shane to tie my shoe (because being a flirty teen makes you incapable of tasks you accomplished when you were 5 years old).
He got down on one knee and I threw my foot up on his thigh for him to tie my shoe and he suddenly got really awkward and weird. He tied my shoe and then awkwardly left. I didn't really think much of it at the time.
My friend and I got back to my house and went straight to the computer to get on AOL and instant message everyone on my buddy list like we did every. single. night. I remember I had one knee brought up to my chest in the chair while typing away, and I happened to glance down and see this sticky, brown, HUGE gross smear in the crotch of my jeans!!! I remember looking at my friend and us both freaking out wondering WHEN AND HOW I POOPED MY PANTS WITHOUT KNOWING IT! Suddenly, the lightbulb switched on and I realized that I had my box of milk duds between my legs during the movies and I must have dropped some while I was throwing them down my gullet at mach speed and being too preoccupied with the boy palm resting on the armrest in my peripheral vision. Then another lightbulb switched on (yeah, we're up to 2 lightbulbs.. try and keep up) and I realized why Shane got weird when he tied my shoe. HE THOUGHT I POOPED MY PANTS!
TEENAGE NIGHTMARE SOCIAL SUICIDE.
Thank the LORD his name popped up on my buddy list shortly after and I explained the whole thing to him. He laughed and made that horrible situation a little better. It became a little inside joke (teenagers LOVE inside jokes) and he called me "milk duds" for the rest of the year. I'm so glad he was a nice guy and didn't make a big deal out of it!
moral of the story: tie your own shoe. don't try to be cute and helpless.
and, slow down when eating candy in a dark theater. you don't have to empty the box before the previews.
and, most importantly, be able to laugh at yourself.